Slipping on the Banana Peel of Grace

full moon on an autumn night

Something I’ve noticed in working with people carrying trauma is that there can be a lot of charge, along with an eagerness to get to the other side. There’s a desire to move through what’s been difficult, and sometimes a tremendous amount of effort goes into that.

I sometimes explain it using the image of a rocket leaving Earth. Our conditioning and patterns can have a kind of gravitational pull. At first, it may take considerable effort to begin moving beyond those familiar pulls. Like a rocket lifting off, we’re working against something that has held us in a particular orientation for a long time.

As things begin to shift, though, the context changes. In this image, the rocket moves beyond the dense atmosphere into a larger space. There’s less friction, and its course becomes a matter of navigating in relationship to other heavenly bodies and their gravitational pulls. The way it moves has to change.

I think something similar can happen in our own process. We may continue applying the same effort even as a different way of moving becomes possible. We’re so accustomed to pushing that we don’t notice we have more room.

At that point, I might remind someone: perhaps this is becoming more about coordination and trust. Can you begin to notice a larger field of intelligence working with you? Can you back off a little and feel what else is here?

Learning to notice

The concept may help orient us, and the discovery has to happen in our own experience. How do you begin to notice that you’re in a different context? What happens when you ease up a little? What sensations become available? Can you feel a connection with yourself and a sense of something beyond the immediate problem?

You have to play with this. There isn’t a particular experience you have to produce. Simply becoming aware that there may be more space, more support, or another way of relating can be a beginning.

Part of what I encourage people to develop is the ability to notice and track their experience. To sense when they’re getting pulled into something familiar, and to explore what helps them find room again.

Making room in relationship

These patterns often become especially noticeable in our relationships.

Sometimes, when we’re talking with someone, we become so absorbed in the exchange that our awareness narrows. We’re looking into their eyes, tracking their responses, and getting caught in a loop between ourselves and the other person. We may begin to lose connection with ourselves or feel pulled into their feelings, expectations, or agenda.

When that happens, I suggest very simple things.

Let your eyes look to the side for a moment. Shift your body so you aren’t facing the person quite so directly. Notice the room around you. If you’re becoming overwhelmed, take a pause. You can excuse yourself and go to the bathroom. Give yourself a moment to feel where you are and what’s happening within you.

These small movements can interrupt the loop and create an opening.

A third point of connection

I often talk about moving from a binary relationship into a triadic relationship.

By that, I mean allowing something else into your awareness alongside yourself and the other person. Something that helps you remain connected to a larger context.

You might call that a higher power, greater intelligence, Source, God, or Spirit. The language will be different for different people. I can’t tell someone exactly what that connection should be. It’s something they have to discover for themselves.

The invitation is to notice that the relationship can include more than you and whatever you’re facing. You can be present with another person while staying connected with yourself and with something larger.

You may not feel that connection at first. You can begin by making room for the possibility, noticing what helps you feel less caught and more available to your own experience.

Slipping into grace

There’s a paradox here. We can bring so much effort to finding ease that we make it into another thing to accomplish. Sometimes we have to allow ourselves to discover it a little sideways. I call it “slipping on the banana peel of grace.”

There’s something about that image I like. We aren’t managing every part of the process. Something unexpected happens, our familiar footing gives way, and we find ourselves in a different relationship with the moment.

I can offer concepts, and concepts can help us find our bearings. The experience itself is something we come to know by noticing, exploring, and allowing.

We can’t effort our way into grace. Sometimes we have to leave a little room to slip.